We are not supposed to miss this moment. We see our lives as one long stroke of a paintbrush, but our life is not one singular entity. Our life is made up of years and months and weeks and days and hours and minutes and seconds and finally moments. This very moment you can find all the beauty and joy you ever wished to experience in life. If you want to paint a masterpiece of your life, begin by making this moment a masterpiece.
We are not supposed to miss this moment. When we are not conscious and not present to the moment as we tend to be a vast majority of the time, it seems as if our life is slipping away in front of us. Days go by, weeks even, and we have no connection to them. It as if we are outsiders watching our own truman show. Our lives and our time are distant creatures that we observe, but have no control over. As soon as we bring our attention, our focus, our highest priority to this very moment we obtain the power to decide our destinies. To have a say in our lives. To experience a taste of living, rather than see it vicariously. When our attention is in the moment, we matter infinitely more. We are defined by our moments of presence.

We are not supposed to miss this moment. All that we seek in life we can find right now, were we only to stop seeking. We seek riches, fame, success, love, happiness, appreciation. Why? Because we truly seek the feelings associated with these things. We seek the feelings of joy and importance we will have when we accomplish these things. Ironically, these feelings are our birthright. We are entitled to them and can enjoy them whenever we choose. We just have to stop seeking them and melt into the beauty of the present moment.

We are not supposed to miss this moment. How long is an eternity? Sometimes just a second. We lead wide shallow lives, never venturing into the depth of each moment. Never knowing what joy could be found in each activity that we do or do not do. When you are fully present, each moment is an eternity, each moment achieves depth, each moment becomes an end in itself rather than a means to an end. When each moment means so much, life becomes satisfying to the point that death is no longer worried about or feared because you are now living to the fullest. You are living a life’s worth of joy right now.

We are not supposed to miss this moment.


This is just something very personal that I write and re-read to myself when I find myself getting too caught up in the meaningless distractions of life which take me away from what is truly important, what is truly godlike in this world. The only thing that has meaning for us – this very moment.

What is Self Confidence?


What is self confidence? One of the most important lessons I’ve learned and am still learning, and mostly likely won’t stop until I am laid to rest. Self confidence isn’t self confidence. It is self acceptance. Accepting all the things that make you imperfect. It’s acknowledging you make mistakes, you are not a perfect 10, you will say and do the wrong things. You will fail and you will fall. Self confidence is when you accept that all this will happen.. And that you are ok with it.

When most people make a mistake – during an event, a social setting, or any activity they take part in – the inner voices usually begin. You begin to bully yourself incessantly, allowing your own mind to call you names and tell you things you would never allow another person to say to you. If a mistake happens, it is not good or bad. It just is. Only your mind exploding in thought afterward warps it from an event into something bad or worse, catastrophic. If you move on from it immediately and maybe learn from it, you can usually recover from near any mistake. However, as soon as your mind takes the reins, you have beaten yourself up to the point where there is no returning from the mistake. You are now everything you told yourself you were in your mind, even if you weren’t before.

As I become more confident and truly try to accept and love myself more, I see that voice emerging all the time, and sometimes it takes over my inner script, but sometimes I can accept that voice as well as whatever mistake I’ve made. I can tell myself that it’s ok. It’s ok to make a mistake or to fail or to let someone down. I tell myself that the most important thing is my inner peace and mental health, far more than any short term pleasure or learning I may receive from endless pondering of the mistake in that moment. I can lose the girl. I can fail at my job. I can get rejected if I open myself up. I can lose family, friends, passions. The only thing I can’t do is continue to bully myself any longer.

Once I am free from the pressure of being perfect and having to succeed at everything I do, I am free to focus on what is really important: having new experiences, enjoying life’s opportunities as they come up, and using my potential to be the best that I can be in anything I want to do.



“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself”

Training Log 7/7 – 7/17


7/7 – 7/17

Nothing, but therapy, assisted and on my own, in the past two weeks. Everytime I master an exercise, I move onto a tougher, more painful and challenging one, but that is what I have to do to improve as solidly and rapidly as possible.

I still haven’t got my stitches out which limits my knee’s ability to bend. Because of this, I can’t drive and can only walk short distances very slowly. Just being able to walk at all, however, feels amazing. I’m still trapped on a mattress the majority of the day, but when I want to, I can actually fend for myself now.

I have been reading fanatically, learning to play the keyboard, and spending time with great friends and family to pass the time. All I can see in my mind, all the time, is MMA. Slowly, but surely, I will get back there.


“I only see my goals, I don’t believe in failure”


Training Log 6/28 – 7/6


6/28 – 7/6

Surgery on 6/28.

I remember getting wheeled into the operating room, already dosed on a few painkillers and loopy. I remember talking to the nurse and giggling a lot and suddenly, I woke up and my leg felt horrible. They gave me some fentanyl and wheeled me out to my mother and then to the backseat of her car.

Who knew that pain could get this bad. I couldn’t feel my leg, but I could feel a searing knife cutting into it at all times. I had to pop 2 percocets every 3 hours to stop myself from going insane. That pain continued throughout that night into the following night, where it began to dull from excruciating to simply severe. I couldn’t move my leg without sharp, stabbing pains so I laid in bed, trying to use the bathroom as little as possible. To get to the bathroom, I had to use my crutches to carry my drugged out self and hope I didn’t fall (I did. A few times.)

I had to go from the guy who people leaned on, who helped everybody, who never asked for help. To the guy who needed someone to hold his hand through the pain, who needed to be carried around, who had to ask for help to get fed and clothed.

But I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better blessing. If you asked me what my biggest weaknesses were before this, I would tell you I was too prideful, too impatient, too obsessive, too focused on the big picture and willing to let the details slide, too driven. Recovering from this surgery has been all about swallowing my pride, being mind-numbingly patient, paying attention to the tiniest details, figuring out balance, and an opportunity to train my mind and spirit as opposed to my body.

Derrick rose and countless other athletes have compared this surgery and the physical therapy following it to “hell”, “the closest thing to death”, and “I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.” That is all true, but it is exactly what I needed and when I needed it. Through all of the pain, weakness, and discomfort, I always try to remember that and it keeps a smile on my face.

Now those are my thoughts on that – let’s get down to business. I have had two therapy sessions in the week since my surgery. The number one priority for therapy is to achieve full knee/leg extension and be able to perform leg raises. The first therapy session was only 3 days after and the first time I removed this horrible brace off my leg, temporarily of course. The therapist led me through a list of exercises of which I wasn’t able to really do many of them yet. I couldn’t even do a damn leg raise or bend my knee.

I kept working at all of them, multiple times a day, and I was finally able to get all of them down. I had my 2nd therapy session exactly a week after surgery on 7/5. I have almost achieved my previous level of leg extension which is slightly past hyperextension. The therapist was impressed at how fast my knee is recovering and how much my flexibility and movement has improved. Then gave me a list of harder exercises. Time to get to work on those.


“We all hang on to our sad life stories, thinking that they give us the right to be unhappy. They fucking don’t.” 


Training Log 6/24 – 6/27


6/24 – 6/27

Two workouts in the last few days:


Bench Press – 165 lbs, 3×8

Military Press – 95 lbs, 3×8

Barbell Rows – 145 lbs, 3×8

Pull ups – 14 reps, 10 reps, 6 reps

Bicep Curls – 30 lb Dumbbells, 3×8

Skull Crushers – 55 lbs, 3×8

Lateral Raises – 17.5 lbs, 3×8


Surgery tomorrow morning. Let’s do it.


“If my aim is to prove I am “enough,” the project goes on into infinity–because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.”

Training Log 6/15 – 6/23


6/15 – 6/23

The damage is the terrible triad. Torn ACL, Medial Meniscus, and partially torn MCL. I am getting surgery on June 28th and then staying in South Florida as I recover and undergo physical therapy.

No real working out for me in the next couple months. I have done 3 gym sessions focused on upper body this past week. I will keep updating my numbers and hopefully strengthen one part of my body while the other rests.


Last workout:

Bench Press – 160 lbs, 3×8

Military Press – 95 lbs, 3×8

Barbell Rows – 145 lbs, 3×8

Pull ups – 12 reps, 8 reps, 6 reps

Bicep Curls – 70 lb Barbell, 3×8

Skull Crushers – 50 lbs, 3×8

Lateral and Anterior Raise – 15 lbs, 3×8


“It might be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat, but it was a defeat better than many victories”

Training Log 6/8 – 6/14



11am – 1 pm

I arrive to st. pete and start drilling some wrestling for a few minutes. Everybody else goes to lift, so I go for a 30 minute run. My legs hurt and it is extremely hot outside so my pace kind of sucks, but all that matters is I took right action. We then go into drilling and live wrestling, and although it just mostly drills, my wrestling feels the best it’s ever been. Good work for the day.



9am – 10am

Helping out Lin, a new student today in class. Teaching and learning from the teaching.

10am – 10:30am

Tempo intervals for conditioning, I did 22 minutes today on the heavy bag and shadowboxing.

7pm – 8:30pm

I got out of work early so I head over to PAC and get some striking on! I warm up with some kickboxing at the end of the fundamentals class and go right into sparring drills and free sparring with Chris and Tyson in the intermediate class. Fun night, I leave the gym very pumped up and in love with the process of getting better!



9am – 10am

Taught a great class to a couple older faces and some beginners. Always fun to help people improve.

10:30am – 11am

Drilling wrestling/ground and pound positions with coach Vince.

2pm – 3pm

Strength maintenance workout, still harder than most strength building workouts! 3×8 with 215 lbs on squat, 3×6 with 275 lbs on deadlift, and 3×8 with 155 lbs on bench.



3pm – 4pm

Nothing but a run in the books for me today. I get 4 miles in at a good pace.



I showed up to st. pete to train with coach Vince and others, only to realize it was closed down today for a seminar at Gracie Bradenton. I make the drive home and go to crunch for some work.

2:30pm – 3pm

Tempo Intervals for conditioning at Crunch fitness, 25 minutes, working on the heavy bag.



11am – 12pm

MMA class at PAC with Chris, Amy, Vince, and Bobby. In my last sparring round, Chris attempts a judo throw and I resist. In a freak accident, I end up falling over my knee and hear the worst sound I have heard in my life. Like the sound of a toaster being blended at 1000% intensity. I fall to the ground in pain and looks I have my first serious knee injury.



I am back home, unable to walk or drive, waiting to see a doctor to move on with life. Whatever happens, I accept it completely.


“Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it”


Training Log 6/6 – 6/7



12pm – 2pm

I drive through the Howard Frankland bridge and a tropical storm to make it to St. Pete for some MMA work! I have to give my training partners and coaches some sparring.

I warm up and we get right into 5, 5 minute rounds. I do two rounds with Chris, one with Bobby, one with Ethan, and one with Gabe. I perform well enough, but I am aware of lots of mistakes I am making and I can improve on, and I get caught with a good counter that gives me a small mouse under my left eye.

Amazing work, regardless.

4pm – 5pm

I head to crunch fitness to get some cardio in since the rain is stopping me from running outdoors. I do 10 minutes on the elliptical, 5 on the bike, 5 on the treadmill, and then decide to say screw it and go for a 25 minute run through the rain.



I am exhausted this morning, but I pull myself out of bed for class and to begin a personal “life experiment” I have been putting off for a while. Let’s see how the day goes.

9am – 10am

BMT class was great, working with Steph and Amy. I was a little unfocused in class, but when I tuned out the distractions, I was performing just as good as I ever have.

10am – 10:30am

Tempo Intervals for conditioning. I do 15 seconds of moderate intensity work on the heavy bag and shadowbox lightly for a minute. Repeat for 20 minutes. Afterwards, I go get some chiropractic work in.


“You have good days. You have bad days. The important thing is to grow mentally” 

Training Log 6/4 – 6/5



2pm – 3pm

Great 3 mile run. I kept my heart rate at the perfect range and actually got a great pace in. When I’m well-rested, there are very few people who are as aerobically fit as me.



1pm – 2pm

I had a rough morning so I skipped out on going to st. pete. Not my best decision, but I made up for it by a great weight training session. I am just trying to maintain strength, but working out like this, I might actually get a little stronger as I drop weight and increase my cardio.


“Doesn’t matter what the press says. Doesn’t matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn’t matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: the requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world — “No, you move.””

Training Log 6/2 – 6/3



9am – 10am

BMT in the morning, working with Jason again!



9am – 10am

Teaching BMT to 3 awesome ninjas in the morning, staying present, and having fun!

12pm – 2pm

Great dutch drills and MMA sparring with Ethan, Chris, Vince, and Gabe at St. Pete. The team is strong.


“Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end.”